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Quotes from your campaigns

So I've played a couple of campaigns with friends and we've ended up saying a lot of memorable stuff. Here's a sample, Share your own! It'll be great!

"Don't you dare pervert my tea time"


"Lets check the bar"

"I mean, it's a good thing you guys handled it. I was almost gonna plant one on the bride!"

"If there's books about gods and legends and stuff, why would a believer want to be you?"

"I had 2 more barrels you know. you didn't need to drink out of the one I was about to blow up" -R, to C "I didn't know you were going to blow it up" -C, to R

"Can one of you guys be the chosen one? does it work like tag?"

"This was a very productive day."

"Don't ring the bell. it's not for customers"


"Dance motherfucker"

"Bolster spirits can make people forgive temporarily, but bullets are forever."

"Piracy for the goddamn win"

"They're Groundbolds not Cliffbolds."

"I'm not gonna take you to mass when you're drunk."

"Don't judge me. Just let me drink my tea and talk to my robots in peace."


"ok, heres your problem you complain when I quote you. but you don't realise how easy your making it"

"I didn't need to, but I did anyway"

"who needs dignity?"

"if I could make the whelpling do jazz hands I would of when it did its reveal"


"We're a cult, not a mafia."

"You’re like two days old. Why are you doing this?"

"I almost lost a battle to a coat rack once!"

"Also I would gladly kill a bride, groom, several guard monks and innocent civilians again to make a pun"

"I haven't seen any weird stuff today so I think it's working. Except for the dragon shooting the gun."

"Now follow me. And if something has a chain on it, don’t touch it. It’ll kill you."

"Most people don't know Q. I know all about Q. I'm an expert on Q. I'm so good with Q, my middle name is Q. Don't stand for nothin'. Just Q. My daddy knew Q. His daddy knew Q. Our whole family has had the middle name Q for generations."

"I'd trust Mysterious Stranger with my children."

"how dare you alphabetise my library"


  • edited October 2017
    "Here are the fireworks you ordered, you b&$%*!" (My character could make explosive barrels and blew up the final boss. Earlier in the campaign I offered to make fireworks out of alcohol with conjure refreshments and bottles, all for the final boss who tricked us into working for her.)

    "Hey dont worry, im 99% sure everything will go wrong once we grab the staff. This isnt my first dungeon. *someone else grabs the staff, nothing happens end of campaign* WHAT?!"
  • @Wolf_With_Sword (Ahhh I remember that campaign, it was great, that 45 minute long RP conversation was one ofthe best ive ever had
  • First combat
    me: 'The tentacle is going to sweep over the front of ship and hit you three and this canon' (20 DMG)
    *rolls a 20* (40 DMG)
    Player M (keen swordswoman): 'I want to try to block the attack with my sword. What's the worst that could happen ?'
    *rolls a 1* (80 DMG)
    me: 'As the tentacle is about to hit you guys, Player M jumps infront of the giant tentacle to try to block it, but she fails and gets batted away like a baseball. Everyone gets thrown into the water and takes 40 damage except M, she takes 80.'
    *looks at stamina*
    me:' M ... you had exactly 80 stamina ... you have to deathroll'
    Player M:' That's fine it's just a 1 in 20 chance and i just rolled a 1 so it's not like i'm going to ...'
    *rolls a 1*
    me:'As you get hit by the tentacle you just go flying. After a few miles your unconcious body finally hits the water and you drown... wow you and the tentacle needed to roll exactly these numbers btw'

  • "Is Mickgael on the family plan?"
  • "Don't Fucking Touch Me!" *Followed by a swift and hearty slap*

    *Rolls 1 for Back Patting* "Annnnnnd he slaps your bird lady on the boob."

    *Rolls 20 on harp mastery* Me: "Hmm, this npc's name will be Orwen Heartwell." Player: "You mean Harpwell?" Me: *Face Palms With Loud Audible Sigh*
  • edited October 2017
    rival party's assassin chick: "We've run this ambush seventeen times! It's going to work, let's just rest."
    *the party approaches*
    *the mage walks directly into the swarm of ambushers because he is walking like fifty feet off the road just inside the forest*
    rival party's assassin chick: "Goddammit! Why didn't I think of that?! I should have, given how my backstory involves a tragic romance with that mage who we're trying to capture."
    actual party's assassin chick: "Exposition much?"
    *party of enemy werewolves is running away because their magic artifact that kept restoring them to full health just got tossed off a cliff*
    actual party's assassin chick: “Yeah, run! You ground-licking, cowardly, deer-sired whelp!” *to alpha of other party*
    GM: Okay, you can mark down you now have a major enemy on your sheet.
    *assassin gets her legendary, so I set the scene*
    Escort NPC: "You only barely beat them, though I suppose..."
    Assassin: "What? You got some powerful weapon to give us?"
    Escort NPC: “Yes, actually. It was a friend's, but I never liked to use daggers, especially not ones like these.” *holds out daggers that cause madness*
    Assassin: “Hand them over, I can wield anythi-”
    GM: Roll.
    Assassin: *rolls 5*
    GM: Okay, good to know.
    Assassin: What? Good to know WHAT?!
    GM: *smiling evilly* You'll find out near the end of the campaign.
    Escort NPC: "Yeah, they do that, they were under the sign of the Madman before the Sundering."
    Druid: "That sounds a bit too ominous, I think you should get rid of them."
    Assassin: *recieves PM from GM saying that she is starting to go insane* 
    “If there is one thing you learn, Druid, it should be your place. Keep out of my decisions, and I’ll keep my knives out of your throat,”
    Escort NPC about to be turned into werewolf: "Don't I get a say in this? Because not once has anyone asked me if I even want to join you.”
    Shaman: “Yes we did, and you accepted, so stop bothering him about what you agreed to with us,”
    Shaman: “You want us to stop the entire Kobald race?”
    Rival assassin chick: *adjusting legendary collar* "It just isn't me, I know it helps in combat, but still..."
    Rival ranger: "I like it. It really... suits you."
    Rival assassin: "You're disgusting, Vaer'than."
    Rival ranger: "I know."
    Mage: *to nigh-deaf bandit leader* "We're just passing through."
    Bandit leader: "What?! I look like a shoe?! You're the only shoe around 'ere!"
    Mage: *proceeds to kill the entire bandit encampment in one round with no help from the rest of the party*
    (third) Rival druid: "The map says this, the map says that, honestly, you people can't find your own tails without a map!"
    Rival assassin: *betting on how their third druid this campaign will die* “Vaer’than, how about a bet? I say run through by a gnoll. What about you?”
    Rival ranger: “Decapitated by a Kobald.”
    Rival mage: *referring to the normal party's mage* “I’ll just pitch in and say our old friend will turn his brain to mush,”
    Rival warrior: “Huh, I’m still sticking with nature. Out of the last five, three have been killed that way, very like them."
    (third) rival druid: "What are you talking about?"
    Rival assassin: "Nothing."
    *The party is in a devastated bandit camp*
    Assassin: "Where's Macruul, please tell me he didn't insist on eating one of them..."
    Ranger: "Too late, luckily I'm not hungry anymore."
    *assassin is covered head-to-toe in blood, which according to her actually makes her more attractive*
    Assassin: *walking into town* "I hope they're looking at the blood, I can't remember if I'm wanted here. I'm going to go talk to a guard real quick, I'll meet you at the inn."
    Rival assassin: "Just tell me where he went! He's... an old friend of mine."
    Secretary: “Look, I’m sorry ma’am, but he specifically asked for his destination to remain confidential, so unless you are going to attack me in a building full of adventurers, you are going to have to deal with it.”
    Assassin: *wakes up covered in blood* "Please tell me I didn't do anything too stupid."
    Shaman: "Well that depends, Would you consider killing thousands of gnolls, rolling around in their blood, and then falling unconscious stupid?"
    Assassin: *sighs* "Talk about a bloodbath. Please tell me there's an underground stream somewhere where I can wash this off."

    ^All of this happened in the same campaign with two parties against each other.

    Quest-giver NPC: “You and Threll will be going on a very dangerous mission, Viper, we have extraordinarily high priority targets for you, Quinsaymara, you will be in charge of the army, also, change your name, it is too much of a mouthful,”

    probably better in context, but uh...

    it was a thing
  • edited October 2017
    Druid: *sees huge river of blood flowing through the cave* "I completely regret going on this mission.
    Ranger: "Too late, touch it with your staff and see what it does to it."
    Druid: "WHAT?! NO!"
    Assassin: *Grabs staff from druid, shoving into the waist-deep blood* "We should be able to walk across" *pulls out staff, all the blood runs off of it far too quickly* "Does your staff always repel blood? Or does this mean I can walk through and not get covered in it?"
    The group then walked through the blood, and the only one covered in blood was the Assassin, because it was funny.


    "Damn teleporting wizards and their damn teleportation spells!"
  • "You ascened by knocking out an Elven teen and giving her to a shady Kobold."
    I also liked when I got to say "I want to use my penis to swing to the other ship."
    And "Roll a D20 to decide the age of consent."
  • Oh I got one,
    "Alright were gonna roll to see if this NPC Rouge is a Pedophile" *rolls 20, everyone goes crazy, at the end of the fight we roll a 20 on making him a part of our party* "Ok so we have a Rouge Pedophile as a part of the party now, whats his name" *I speak up* "Chris Hanson" *everyone looses it again*
  • We set off a trap that duplicated all living party members while I had my mirrorimage up, so there were suddenly 4 of me. DM made me pick a tile to be the real me. I knew that two of the others were mirror images and that no matter who I hit, the first me to take damage would poof out of existence...

    so I pointed to the nearest one, yelled "HE'S FAKE! I CAN PROVE IT!!!"
    "Give me a roll for your basic attack"
    I rolled a 1.
    I hit myself. And then disappeared. Because I had actually chosen my mirror image.
    The other 3 of me stared on in confusion.

  • Different group but still funny
    "You got to brutal death roll for that butterfly"
  • Deputy thanks party for cetching bandits, “why thank you sirs... oh and lady” 

    girl with self esteme problomes: “Its ok, my parents were disapointed as well”
  • (not from urealms but a dnd campaign i had)

    Dm: So your telling me you want to slap the literal god of death

    me: Yesss

    dm: give me a roll

    me:*rolls a 20*

    Entire table: *ROARS OF LAUGHTER*

    dm: so you walk up to him and just straight up slap him and aparently must have taken sterids because your slap pushed him into a wall, combat has started, he has one quarter less of hp now

    me: *during the gautlet of enemies the dm threw at us* 
  • "In spite of your efforts, the orphanage was saved by the local fire brigade." 
  • "I roll to swallow." "He failed to resist."

    "GM: It was very anime"

    "His name is Dirty Anchor Toucher now."

    "Despite wearing as chestplate, the skeleton is not wearing pants."

    "Kilroy is just sick of being in your mouth now and rolls to get out...... He's still in your mouth."

    "They were both skeletons I thought they were working together." "Racist."
  • edited November 2017
    *at the end of the campaign, after an important character and someone's cat had died in the final encounter, I was holding a barrel I kept with me the whole time after I found it*

    "And nothing of value was lost!"

    *Girl whose cat died starts crying*
  • Coming back to revive a thread!
    Player: I'm going to boil the blood in her hands.
    GM: Got it... [interlude for rolling] Okay, so she's going to shoot spikes of ice out of her hands, cooling them, also she's chucking a dagger at you.
    Player: Can I dodge?
    GM: Sure, roll.
    Player: *rolls 1*
    GM: Okay, you dodge backward and the hilt of the dagger hits you in the head, you are unconscious for five minutes.
    Five in-game minutes later:

    Gm: Okay, so when you come to the insane dagger-lady is lieing down a couple of feet from you, hastily conjuring ice that quickly melts. The other thing you notice is that noble chick you were protecting is standing directly above your character's head and is shooting flames at the dagger lady.
    Player: Okay, I can't do much right now.
    Me, a different player: Wait, wasn't the noble wearing a skirt?
    GM: Yes, yes she was.
    Player: Oh no my poor innocent boi!
    GM: *laughs* I mean, it's okay, she was hitting on you earlier.

  • I was in a campaign a day or two ago and my character was a prostitute Dwelf begger that used sex appeal to get what she wanted and got a Bonesycthe, a Gnome party member crafted a Flag of Death
    When my character saw this she snuck up behind the Gnome, hugged his face and convinced him to give her the flag for her Mechasurfer. There wasn't an in character quote but I wrote on the board, "*Notices Flag* OwO whats this?". Me and the Gm thought it was funny atleast...
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