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The Secret Life of Robert Moran

This story details one of the many absolutely true adventures of the man claiming to be Robert Moran. I'm a reliable source, I swear.

Signor Roberté Morada steps out from his tricked out '88 Mustang, tossing his keys to his manservant, Dedboons. He fixed his tophat and monocle in the mirror. 

"We haven't a moment to waste, Doodbonz. We have to be at the grand gala now." Rohbern said. Dunbucks opened his mouth to speak, but is interrupted by the sound of a phone. He checks the screen.

"It's Justine, sir, your wife. Shall I pick up?" Rodner shook his head.

"We can't risk any further delays. If we mess this up, it could compromise our whole mission. I can't risk the Barrons learning of our presence and moving their operations. It took me too long to track them down, and I can't go back undercover. I will have to worry about her later." 

"As you say, sir." Finally composing themselves, Rabart and Doddletops began their ascent up the grand staircase to the entrance. They paused at the door, where they are greeted by a heavyset bouncer.

"Ay, y'know I'mma gunna have t' see a pass or s'mthin' t' let yous in." The bouncer spoke in a disjointed, yet strangely familiar accent. Ronald picked up on it immediately, and the tattoo on the bouncer's arm further confirmed his suspicions. Damn! This is worse than I thought; the Barrons have hired some Theta members out. That's not a group I want to mess around with. Looks like I'm gonna have play my cards even safer. Rbrt handed his forged pass over to the bouncer, feigning indifference. This was but one of the many challenges he could face while infiltrating the Barons.

Luckily, it went by without a hitch. Robdirt led Donutbooze inside, where they surveyed the room. It was a grand, golden hall, not yet filled with people this early in the night. Food was laid out on about a dozen tables near the left wall, while along the right was a fountain and a small orchestra, which had begun to play a quiet waltz. The most striking feature, however, was the massive staircase that led to a door on the farthest wall. Roggie knew that was where Baron Romain Barron resided. The target of tonight.

Someone approached them. Roadcar and Duneboss tensed up, ready to fight, but realized it was only one of the attendants. She spoke cheerfully. 

"Hi! My name is Geraldine. Thank you for attending our gala! We will have refreshments and music all night, and our bathrooms can be located just up the stairs and to the left, just make sure you ask a security member to escort you there. And please don't forget your bag of party favors when you leave!" Geraldine departed as soon as she was finished, seeking another new group. Robear smiled slyly at Donderboof.

"That's our ticket, Dontbreathe."

"Sir, are you-"

"Of course I am. You don't get as far as I without conviction, Dromedary. Just follow my lead." Reuben set off at a brisk pace towards the stairs, where he was met by a pair of Theta guards. One of them stopped them.

"Where d' yous think y' goin'?" This one looked more vicious than the one they had met at the door; he had a scar underneath his eye, was missing a few teeth, and barely fit into his suit. The handgun he not-so-subtly carried didn't dp much for appearances either. Rohbair quickly explained.

"My friend and I both needed to use the bathroom, and we were wondering-" The Theta guard cut him off.

"Y' c'n use it one at a time. 'S that clear?" Ross and Debbie exchanged a quick glance, and Rowan nodded his head.

"Yeah, I'll go on ahead. You wait by the fountain until I return, Doopstock." Dondlehugs nodded his head, and Ruru began his ascent, the Theta guard following close behind. They passed the door to Baron Romain Barron's room, which Roland tried not to pay much attention to. Soon, they were at the bathroom. Runblast entered the room,  and turned around.

"Thanks for escorting me here. High five?" Rhododendron held up his hand, which the Theta guard eyed suspiciously. “No tricks, I promise.” Shrugging, the guard gave Roehbard a high five, which quickly turned into a judo chop and a sick backflip. In mere moments, the guard was on the floor, unconscious. “‘No tricks.’” Rockerd chuckled. “As if anyone would believe that.” Reichstag straightened, and surveyed his surroundings. He spotted a vent on the ceiling. If I know anything, it's that vents always lead directly where I want them. The suave and sexy spy removed the grate and climbed into the vent, and began to crawl. 

Rex could tell when he was close when he started to smell the brandy. Romain’s favorite. He peered inside one of the rooms, and lo and behold, Romain Barron himself. The man sat quietly at a table, not doing anything. Is he expecting something? Ralph’s musings were interrupted by the clearing of Romain’s throat.

“You can come out of hiding, Ray-Ban. I know you're there.” Knowing his time was up, Rollback busted through the vent and landed on the floor. He smirked.

“Well, well, well, if it isn't Baron Romain Barron. I've been looking a long time for you.” Romain said nothing. Rolex continued. “By the authority invested in me by the Order, you are under arrest. Will you come peacefully?” Romain chuckled.

“I think you know the answer to that.” He stood up slowly, his hand on the pommel of a short sword at his waist. “I hope you've practiced your swordplay boy; I'm one of the most accomplished swordsman of this age.” Romain drew his sword, letting the gleaming blade flash in the light. It was a magnificent sword; the blade seemed almost glowing, with intricate etchings along its length, the hilt was well-worn leather, and the pommel was the largest ruby known to man, and evidently priceless. The sword seemed to radiate energy; in the right hands, it would make for a truly formidable foe. Rawb took out his handgun and shot Romain four times in the chest.

Romain fell to his knees, staring blankly at Rhinovirus. He coughed, blood on his lips. “This… this won't put an end to our plans… you have no hope of succeeding.” Rusty chuckled.

“I'll take you down one by one if I have to. But it looks like my work here is done.” As Romain finally fell to the floor, Raj crawled back into the vents. Thankfully, the guard was still unconscious when he reentered the bathroom, but Ribbit gave him a solid kick to the head just to make sure. From there Trebor descended the steps. The other Theta guard was nowhere to be found. Doodlebob must have taken care of him. Rinblock surveyed the room for his trusty sidekick, but he curiously couldn't find the man in the sea of people. Perhaps he had gone to the car?

Roran exited the building, which, again, had been missing its Theta guard. At this point, he began to become suspicious. He walked with increasing speed to his Mustang, which was parked at the back of the lot. The door was ajar, which was curious. He stepped up to the car, mind racing. I didn't leave it- 

Ritzbread spotted Drachma duct taped t the front seat of the car. He was squirming and trying to yell, but his mouth was covered. Reneébourgeois sprinted to his side, and tore off the duct tape covering his butler’s mouth.

“Derrybowl! What happened? How did they find you?” 

“Sir! You don't have much time. The Barrons, they learned what happened and they've kidnapped Justine. And they've strapped a bomb to the-”

A deafening explosion rang out. Reverend’s vision went black for a few moments, but when it came back he blearily saw the burning husk of his car. He began to feel a deep rage inside of him. I won't let you have died in vain, Dixiecup. I will avenge you.

Robert staggered to his feet, and at that moment he knew: his purpose would be one of vengeance. 

All of this is true and 100% accurate. Rob is not the man whom you thought he was. Tread carefully.



  • Oh my gosh I never knew about the true story of Rob! You must tell me, how did you obtain this VITALLY important information!? He will hunt you if he finds out about his story being leaked to the public!
  • ...I want to have a villian in a campaign be named Baron Romaine Barron now.
  • Really though they should totally do a spy campaign with more sneaking than they've ever done before (meaning its mostly an RP campaign). I really want them to like barge in on their target and shout, "KNOCK KNOCK, COMBAT HAS STARTED!"
  • Tell me, how did you come across such knowledge?
  • I must remain anonymous, for fear of him finding me. I'll give you a hint, however... No Tricks.
  • Of course... It makes so much sense...
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