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Galen Sunsword is interviewing you as a potential murder suspect
Please sir, i am but a poor boy. I have done no harm. My mother is ill and my father died in a mining accident and just about every other poor orphan boy thing that can happen, happened to me.
Me: I didn't commit the murder. Because
I am the real
***activates spell of shaving. dissolving my bearded disguise***
are but an impostor!
***Activates dispel spell scroll removing Squinks disguise and points sword between his very surprised eyes***
Me: It will be off to the Silvermines for you, you gnomish scoundrel!
Oh, please just do it. I'll say whatever you want man, just kill me. I-I'm can't stand this place anymore. My wife's left me, that little shit Phineas is after me, and I owe a lot of money to some Kobolds down the street. I-I'm on my knees here, man, just go on with it.
"it wasn't me!" I trip and a bunch of guns start pouring out of my jacket, hundreds of guns. For a minute straight there is a steady flow of guns just pouring out until we're knee deep in guns.
".......well, I mean, he was stabbed, right?"
Hahaha! Of course I murdered him! What's even more funny is the fact that you think you all could stop me. I have so many connections and friends, if you strike me down you all will pay for it. You think your race is superior? We have endured much more hardships and oppression than you have. We have formed stronger families and communities than your puny Elven families. So... of course I killed him. He deserved it. Do not cross me or you will experience the same fate as him.
Well, probably? Depends, who's the dead guy? I kill a lot of people, you'll have to be a bit more specific.
I didn't know elves could die!
I plead insane, can I go now?
" Honestly mister... Galen was it? do you think a tiny keen like me could do anything to an elven party? I mean please look at me. I just a one foot gnome with better things to do then kill scum elf's like your self. now if you would please. I have more experimenting to do on witch creatures can bread. i have a Funk and a Catcoon waiting for me inside!"
( please make Catcoon cannon )
Sir Galen, on the night of the murder I was in the elven city Akhalen visiting family. I was there an entire week, sir, you could ask anyone there. We're a tightly knit community, you know.
I do not know the victim at all sir. By Ouro'ras name, I swear all of this is true, sir.
Would an innocent Dwelf do this?! *starts cutting off left arm with nearest sharp object* See? A guilty person wouldn't disarm themselves. I am obviously innocent.
Im to dumb to kill them plus i was born yesterday and has no clue how to use a wepon.
Yes... Yes... Yes?
Well, you see, how can I be a murder suspect if I don't exist?
"What? Oh why, I do believe you have the wrong gal! I'm just a simple... lumberjack! Yes, that's what I use my gigantic axe for! Jacking lumber! Lumber jacking! Jackber lumbing. Don't mind the small blood stains on my petard, I cut myself earlier in the day. Axes have to be sharp and strong to cut through... trees. Yes. But say, might you want to treat a fancy gal to a drink? Perhaps get to know me better?"
- Taey Rur'j the Runt
Galen, I don't even see how me being the murderer is possible. I've been next to you since we arrived at the party by order of your father. I haven't left your sight! Please come to your senses and help deduce who this murdering fiend is so we can bring him to justice.
Was I power leveling on E.X.P the day of the crime, yes.
Was I super drunk that day, yes.
Was I sacrificing goblins in the name of Golestandt? Also yes.
But I had
to do with murdering that Elven family.
...Wait those other things are
I would like to request a lawyer.
Don't you think its a little too obvious to suspect me just because you found me covered in his blood chewing on his hand. no no no see if you ask me I was set up, as a matter of a fact where were you at the time of this supposed "murder" how do we know you did not kill him? you seem very interested in this mans death maybe a little too interested? I rest my case.
Ah yes, Galen right? I see you might be suspicious of my activities, but don't worry, I can assure you I've not done what you think I may have done. Definitely not. Whatever that might be. Because of course I have an alibi, and alibi it's called yes. I have the best alibi. Hold on for a second I'm thinking of an alibi. Oh yes I definitely am not guilty because I was, hold on, yes. I was in that cave over there, see from here it might look like a rabbit hole but I can assure you that's just your mind playing tricks on you. Any of the rabbits in that hole can testify, so you would be better spending your time questioning actual suspects.
Murder? Never heard of it, Does that taste good?
Why are you looking at me? You're the one who let Chimera escape. Come on man Dave and the Theta Squad could handle him. You sat there and struggled. Seriously the fuckin Theta Squad. There's a Barringster there. Granted they had Ca'Rell. But she's not a real leader. If you cant handle him you're to blame for this murder.
edited May 2017
*Gratefully consumes another spoon full of Fish Yogurt like the beautiful Porc I am, before looking up at Galen, with a kind and generous look, I would lift the yogurt bowl up to him and ask.*
"You want some Fish Yogurt? It's pretty good! Got bits of fish... and yogurt. Best fish yogurt I ever had! Maybe not as good as the last spoon full, or the one before that... but it's pretty good! This is the best Fish Yogurt shop ever."
*Clearly it isn't a Fish Yogurt stand, but perhaps I can roll a 20 and it'll become one! Either way, I go free or the Fish Yogurt will kill me first.*
- Cal, The Consumer
I have never even seen the person of whom I am being accused of murdering! Nor do I even have a weapon to murder with! ...what? This sword? It's a prop made from some new Gnomish material, it's not even sharp, see.
Attempts to cut self with sword
You see? Now quite wasting my time if I'm late for rehearsal again
Joaquim might actually kill me!
5 Minutes of interviewing later
I'm so getting kicked out of the band.
*I roll to see if I can murder everyone* Don't need to prove innocence if everyone is dead.
To find who you seek, you must look inward, and find peace with the answer. Now, I'm not inside you, am I?
Me? Murder!? I will have you know that I am a polymorphed Barringster, and that we stand far higher than the riff-raff that commits crimes such as murder. All deaths we cause are entirely legal, Sunsword!
-A surprisingly well-spoken Porc that tricks people into thinking he's a polymorphed elf.
*clears throat* well ya see I was just walking along minding my own buissness when kaplow! I was huurrrleed through the air like a weely pwiddy bird and all at once I reallised, whoa pigs really do fly huh huh! and if that happens then I guess anything can so what im saying is I think maybe I did steal some fish yogurt but MAAYYYBEE a murder did happen because of that yes, maybe ummm now what did you want to ask your galenness?
- Rusty the Bore
I didn't do it
Like I told your minion over there, it was self defense.
That orphanage attacked -me- first.
I have built up a reputation for ages. There is no way that I would tarnish it just with a mere murder!
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